Nine Steps to Forgiveness

I was watching a program on PBS a few weeks ago on Happiness, called “This Emotional Life”.  In the program they talked our natural state and how happiness could be a choice for many, but not for all.  How money can, depending on where you are currently, bring happiness: i.e. if you’re already a multi-millionaire and you win a million dollars, it wouldn’t mean as much as if you’ve been laid off and are unable to pay your mortgage and you win a lottery for a million dollars.

Due to our ability to adapt, once we get what we thought would make us happy, we quickly move on, automatically wanting the next thing.  So what we believe will make us happy, rarely does (for very long at least).

And on to happiness and forgiveness.  An expert on happiness Dr. Frederic Luskin teaches a course on forgiveness at Stanford University.  I was delighted to be able to contact him through email and am SO grateful to be able to share with you:  Nine Steps to Forgiveness, by Frederic Luskin, Ph.D.

1.	Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK.  Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.
2.	Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better.  Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.
3.	Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action.  What you are after is to find peace.  Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.”
4.	Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes – or ten years -ago.  Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.
5.	At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response.
6.	Give up expecting things from other people, or your life , that they do not choose to give you.  Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave.  Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.
7.	Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you.  Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.
8.	Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge.  Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.  Forgiveness is about personal power.
9.	Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

Such powerful, dead-on advice.  Thanks Dr. Frederic Luskin.

As always, I invite your comments and thoughts, either by email or utilizing the comment form on this page.  Thanks so much for being present and connected on the journey, as we ‘GO on the ROAD’.